bitches gotta eat. Archive Random

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look at my fancy robot teeth.


1 are you bored yet? SHIT, I AM. so i’ma end these weekly updates after this one because three feels like a comfortable number. a trilogy, my dude. THE LORD OF THE TEETH.

2 3/4 of the way to the finish line. the bottom left side of my jaw, the fulcrum of death inside my face, is totally fucking fixed. three weeks, 64 antibiotic capsules, one tooth shave, one bone graft, two extensive root canals, three build-ups, a handful of posts, two crowns, three filled cavities, 30+ shots of novocaine, and 13 hours prostrate atop a crimson tide of pain while wearing protective orange goggles and i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

3 yesterday at whole foods. i told a woman i had the ebola virus when i caught her throwing shade at the mouthful of blood i was still too numb to feel dribbling down my chin. who points? what kind of asshole sees a person actively bleeding and doesn’t ask, “YO MY GUY, ARE YOU ABOUT TO DIE ON TOP OF THIS ORGANIC GREEN LEAF.” fucking lulu lemon pants, sneering at me while i’m trying to find the arnica you hippies keep suggesting i get. ugh fuck health.

4 i’m about to become a vegetarian probably. i haven’t had any meat in a while, and for once i’m not referring to this long-ass celibacy streak i’ve been on for the past two years. my friend beth cooked me a whole bunch of soft, vegetarian things for my delicate mouth and yes my poop is orange but so what MY FACE HURTS. she made sweet potato soup and carrot soup and bread pudding, recipes for which you can find here:

5 the money. so far i’ve used a third of what was raised and it looks like i’m going to use the better part of the rest over the course of the next month or two, dragging my ass back and forth to the dentist to fix the lesser of my mouth’s evils. if there is anything left over i will donate it to the chicago dental society because paying karma forward has been the only reliable currency in my life. i have borne witness to so much selfless generosity. also, thank you kids again. fucking dreamboats you all are.

6 i’ma be on soft food for, like, two more months. lily and i went to costco (holy suburban moms, batman) and i bought a nutribullet and seventeen pounds of frozen fucking fruits. i have never drunk so many blackberries and i’m kinda mad about it. UGH AND IT’S ABOUT TO BE TACO SEASON, BRO. because the universe loves me big star has a new posole on the menu that i can kind of funnel into the working side of my head, and it was delicious and everything but i still watched longingly as jessie and rebecca ordered fish taco after fish taco and i just kept flagging the waitress down to refill my horchata. it feels like such a fucking injustice, even though the thought of biting down on anything tougher than water makes my knees weak with anticipatory pain. whatever, MILKSHAKES.


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the internet is magic.


1 the internet is a miracle. in five days 465 motherfucking angels donated their grande skinny latte/fancy steak at bavette’s/bottle service at the club money for me to get my decaying mouth hole fixed and they raised approximately $15,000 in FIVE GODDAMNED DAYS. i am forever grateful and in your debt, mighty tooth army. i promise to floss these bitches two times a day even though that shit is wild boring.

2 i am a hater of a lot of things. for instance, if you somehow manage to lose fifty pounds without the help of sorcery I HATE YOU. or if you find a new boyfriend who is hot and nice and doesn’t do shit like fax you photocopies of his dick I HATE YOU, TOO. everything else i’m pretty much cool with. i was surprised to learn that some imaginary people who only exist inside my computer were salty that other people they’d never even met had decided of their own accord to be my tooth fairies and felt it necessary to email me those negative feelings. WHY U MAD, BRO? i imagine this is also the kind of person who kicks a hole through his television every time one of those sarah mclachlan ASPCA commercials comes on. FUCK PUPPIES.

3 it was a donation, not a motherfucking tariff. for serious broheim, i didn’t sneak a surcharge onto your electric bill. i’m not taxing you $14 for a pack of cigarettes. i posted a link that you definitely did not have to click. get the fuck out my inbox with that.

4 but didn’t you just write a book, asshole? YES I DID. now let’s be transparent about what book writing pays when you aren’t stephen fucking king: meaty came out in october and as of 3/27/14 at 154p i have made about $30 from my book, and that’s only because i had copies on me at an event and sold them for cash without turning over the publisher’s cut to him. so that everything is on the table, because everything should be once one becomes a charitable organization, my contract says that i will make 11% of net sales. ON A NINE DOLLAR PAPERBACK BOOK. do the math, and think about that next time you take my shit out of the library and rob me of my seventy-five cents.

5 i’m not mad about it, tho. the most i’d hoped for was a used subaru. because i live in chicago and i cannot fuck around in this snow without four wheel drive, and also LESBIANS. and because i live in the glory that is RP i wouldn’t dare dream of buying a new car, because homeless people will live in it. that book was a love offering. wasn’t nobody expecting to get rich.

6 one time i borrowed 40 dollars from my sister. if you owe a black person money, you better not even think about trying to have any goddamn fun. if you see him at a restaurant, get ready for this shit: “HOW CAN YOU GO OUT TO EAT WHEN YOU OWE ME MONEY. THAT PASTA BETTER TASTE LIKE MY LIGHT BILL.” or, when running into her at the cinema: “WHAT MOVIE YOU FINNA SEE, GIVE JANE BACK THAT FORTY DOLLARS I OWE HER?” *dramatic eyeroll* you better not go to a party, be at the grocery store, buy a new outfit, instagram your dinner, take a day off work, wear a new jacket, watch cable television, or laugh at a motherfucking joke until you PAY MY GODDAMN MONEY BACK, SAMANTHA.

7 which is to say: i’m in jail. i can’t do anything cute until the internet is satisfied that i have repaid this massive debt i am now saddled with. and that’s cool, b. i’m fine with it. i’ma be an at-home smoothie and soup making motherfucker. i will not be that asshole who checks in at maude’s only to have 20+ facebook comments like, “HOPE THAT FRENCH FOOD IS EASY TO CHEW WITH THOSE TEETH I BOUGHT YOU, BITCH.” 

8 which is really to say: thank you cuties so very much. i understand what people have done for me and am both flabbergasted and humbled. i don’t take that generosity lightly. although it’s unnecessary, a few of my imaginary internet friends have taken it upon themselves to remind me to be thankful. and that’s how i know you don’t know me for real, because dudes who really know me don’t have to be told that i printed out the entire donor list and am writing personal individual emails to everyone who invested in my face.

9 also there were prizes, dummy. it wasn’t just, like, gimme gimme gimme gimme. didn’t some people get autographed blondie records or whatever? i’m going to be spending the next few months drooling down my shirt while writing thank you emails and customized poetry and crocheting smiling tacos, and also i have to GO OUT TO DINNER WITH THE DUDES WHO PAID THE MOST. which basically means after my mouth heals i’m about to get murdered. at least they will be able to identify my body by its extensive amount of dental work.

10 yesterday. if you’re into torture porn: i spent 4+ hours wide awake and listening to enya as three different sets of hands darted in and out of my mouth with needles and rods and drills. the good news: DR. SIMS WAS ABLE TO SAVE MY TEETH. the worst of them is basically a rebuilt egg shell that is now filled with posts and plastic, but so what? I STILL HAVE MY FUCKING TEETH. he reconstructed two teeth and yes i am in a codeine haze and feel like someone tried to kick my jaw off my skull but if there is anyone on earth i would kiss right now it would be him. what a fucking magician. he’s lucky that this pain is too excruciating to properly purse my lips. the bad news: THERE IS NO BAD NEWS, I KEPT MY TEETH. and, thanks to the internets, this shit is paid for.

11 you should take that money and go to jamaica. and that will be the last rastafarian dick i ever suck, because not having this work done means my heart is going to explode in my chest. i’m not even a little bit tempted. especially since i have zero access to that money. if the shit was coming to me i’d already have blown half of it on magazines and jellybeans. that is why there is a responsible adult in charge of it, one who had the checks sent directly to the dentist.

12 NOT KIDDING, FAM. i don’t want to be like that gay server who faked the slur on her receipt. there is photographic evidence that gofundme paid my dentist directly. the only money i’ve received in the past week is an honorarium from columbia college for permanently scarring a classroom full of young people and a $34.61 refund from amazon for a bunch of kindle books i probably didn’t even fucking read.

13 next wednesday. i’m having another procedure. at which point they xray everything again and figure out what is left to be completed. until then i am drinking smoothies and soup through the right side of my face and trying not to let my top and bottom teeth touch when i speak because that happened earlier and my knees buckled because the shit hurt so bad.


more soon.

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this is what’s up with my teeth.


1 i grew up poor. poor people don’t get to take care of their teeth. i’m not telling you anything you haven’t already heard on msnbc. TEETH ARE A MOTHERFUCKING LUXURY.

2 because of the crohn’s disease, i do not absorb calcium and vitamins very well. calcium and vitamins are necessary for good bones, and teeth are made of bones. or something like that, i’m not a goddamned scientist. 

3 i’m an orphan. i haven’t had a parent in my life since i was 13, and when i first started working at 18 i was too busy trying to pay my rent to set aside money for dental insurance. i was seriously just trying to have sex, take muscle relaxers, and buy cheeseburgers. none of my old boyfriends was like, “hey kid, when’s the last time you saw a dentist?” because they were too busy trying to put it in my butt.

4 but then i needed a root canal. woke up one morning with pain so bad in the right side of my face that i couldn’t even see straight. lied, cheated, and stole to scrape together enough money to go to this dentist who worked cheap and for cash and could see me at a moment’s notice without asking a whole lot of ?s. i was 22 and didn’t have time for shit like “research.” she was very nice.

5 but that bitch butchered my motherfucking teeth. two summers ago one of the teeth she’d fixed broke off and cut up the inside of my face and i was bleeding everywhere and went to laura’s amazing dentist who discovered i had ten years worth of disgusting bacteria from that botched dental work slowly eating away at my jaw. both he and the endodontist he’d referred me to decided that it should be removed. so dr. sims used a crowbar and a pickax and pried that disgusting thing out of my face. IT SMELLED LIKE A DOG’S ASSHOLE FOR REAL. sorry if i’ve kissed you in the last ten years, welp.

6 i tried to go back regularly. but the shit is expensive, and in light of the joints i can’t fix because of the crohn’s that won’t go into remission i would really have to have a literal money tree in my tiny apartment to be able to do it all. so i got some cleanings and crossed my fingers.

7 last week another tooth broke. if this has never happened to you, i would like you to shatter a plate against your table and imagine that sound happening right next to your brain. THAT IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. the first tooth was a bicuspid on the top right side of my mouth, this one a molar on the bottom left. the assistant dentist shaved down the sharp edges and gave me some heavy duty antibiotics because they didn’t want me to get blood poisoning. in america. in 2014.

8 the new broken tooth is killing the one next to it. so 19 broke, and as a party favor he is taking 20 with him. and maybe 21. greedy bastard, leaving the party with more than he came with. dr. sims would like to save these teeth because i am 34 years old and removing them would cave in the side of my fucking face and also bridgework is expensive. just ask chris christie.

9 they gave me an estimate for $2800-3000. PER TOOTH. it’s pretty standard. but when you factor in 5-6 teeth that need a lot of work (a few brethren in the top row are on their way out, too) that’s like $15,000. i just burst out laughing. what the fuck else can you do? i would’ve shit my pants but that’s not even a thing anymore. i am taking all of the calcium and all of the vitamins but my crohn’s will not go into remission and my absorption is still a mess and part of me wonders if i should even bother worrying about the fucking teeth, but then i think about how they could poison my brain and that makes me sad.

10 yesterday. the doctor cut the worst tooth open and drained the decay, then cleaned out the roots. but the pulp is so inflamed that he was worried about doing the rest, so it’s packed full of medicine and i have this temporary thing in my mouth that makes it hard to talk and also tastes like old cheese. a week from today he is going to either root canal or remove 19 and 20, which is just ugh. i suppose if i ever give another blowjob it will come in handy, or at the very least will provide entertainment at parties or onstage.

11 you don’t have to feel bad for me. i have health insurance (but not dental, THANKS OBAMA). i have a place to live. i have access to bananas and soup and other mushy foods. a lot of people are going through similar things, and i think we forget sometimes that just because motherfuckers are dressed and at work every morning it doesn’t mean they aren’t living through some sort of catastrophe. but i wanted to write about this because a lot of very kind and generous people have donated money to my cause and they deserve an explanation. so far, my beloved bossman has paid the bills i have accrued, which i think at this point means he officially owns me. but i have to pay dude back, and pony up for the rest of this shit, and i just wanted to say how eternally grateful i am for people who have offered whatever kind of help they could, particularly those of you who don’t know me personally. my gorgeous friend keila started a gofundme which can be found here: no pressure, dudes. anyway, the internet is usually full of such shitbaggery, and i am humbled by everyone who has been so goddamned nice. know that.

i’ma keep you posted, b.
love, sam