1 the internet is a miracle. in five days 465 motherfucking angels donated their grande skinny latte/fancy steak at bavette’s/bottle service at the club money for me to get my decaying mouth hole fixed and they raised approximately $15,000 in FIVE GODDAMNED DAYS. i am forever grateful and in your debt, mighty tooth army. i promise to floss these bitches two times a day even though that shit is wild boring.
2 i am a hater of a lot of things. for instance, if you somehow manage to lose fifty pounds without the help of sorcery I HATE YOU. or if you find a new boyfriend who is hot and nice and doesn’t do shit like fax you photocopies of his dick I HATE YOU, TOO. everything else i’m pretty much cool with. i was surprised to learn that some imaginary people who only exist inside my computer were salty that other people they’d never even met had decided of their own accord to be my tooth fairies and felt it necessary to email me those negative feelings. WHY U MAD, BRO? i imagine this is also the kind of person who kicks a hole through his television every time one of those sarah mclachlan ASPCA commercials comes on. FUCK PUPPIES.
3 it was a donation, not a motherfucking tariff. for serious broheim, i didn’t sneak a surcharge onto your electric bill. i’m not taxing you $14 for a pack of cigarettes. i posted a link that you definitely did not have to click. get the fuck out my inbox with that.
4 but didn’t you just write a book, asshole? YES I DID. now let’s be transparent about what book writing pays when you aren’t stephen fucking king: meaty came out in october and as of 3/27/14 at 154p i have made about $30 from my book, and that’s only because i had copies on me at an event and sold them for cash without turning over the publisher’s cut to him. so that everything is on the table, because everything should be once one becomes a charitable organization, my contract says that i will make 11% of net sales. ON A NINE DOLLAR PAPERBACK BOOK. do the math, and think about that next time you take my shit out of the library and rob me of my seventy-five cents.
5 i’m not mad about it, tho. the most i’d hoped for was a used subaru. because i live in chicago and i cannot fuck around in this snow without four wheel drive, and also LESBIANS. and because i live in the glory that is RP i wouldn’t dare dream of buying a new car, because homeless people will live in it. that book was a love offering. wasn’t nobody expecting to get rich.
6 one time i borrowed 40 dollars from my sister. if you owe a black person money, you better not even think about trying to have any goddamn fun. if you see him at a restaurant, get ready for this shit: “HOW CAN YOU GO OUT TO EAT WHEN YOU OWE ME MONEY. THAT PASTA BETTER TASTE LIKE MY LIGHT BILL.” or, when running into her at the cinema: “WHAT MOVIE YOU FINNA SEE, GIVE JANE BACK THAT FORTY DOLLARS I OWE HER?” *dramatic eyeroll* you better not go to a party, be at the grocery store, buy a new outfit, instagram your dinner, take a day off work, wear a new jacket, watch cable television, or laugh at a motherfucking joke until you PAY MY GODDAMN MONEY BACK, SAMANTHA.
7 which is to say: i’m in jail. i can’t do anything cute until the internet is satisfied that i have repaid this massive debt i am now saddled with. and that’s cool, b. i’m fine with it. i’ma be an at-home smoothie and soup making motherfucker. i will not be that asshole who checks in at maude’s only to have 20+ facebook comments like, “HOPE THAT FRENCH FOOD IS EASY TO CHEW WITH THOSE TEETH I BOUGHT YOU, BITCH.”
8 which is really to say: thank you cuties so very much. i understand what people have done for me and am both flabbergasted and humbled. i don’t take that generosity lightly. although it’s unnecessary, a few of my imaginary internet friends have taken it upon themselves to remind me to be thankful. and that’s how i know you don’t know me for real, because dudes who really know me don’t have to be told that i printed out the entire donor list and am writing personal individual emails to everyone who invested in my face.
9 also there were prizes, dummy. it wasn’t just, like, gimme gimme gimme gimme. didn’t some people get autographed blondie records or whatever? i’m going to be spending the next few months drooling down my shirt while writing thank you emails and customized poetry and crocheting smiling tacos, and also i have to GO OUT TO DINNER WITH THE DUDES WHO PAID THE MOST. which basically means after my mouth heals i’m about to get murdered. at least they will be able to identify my body by its extensive amount of dental work.
10 yesterday. if you’re into torture porn: i spent 4+ hours wide awake and listening to enya as three different sets of hands darted in and out of my mouth with needles and rods and drills. the good news: DR. SIMS WAS ABLE TO SAVE MY TEETH. the worst of them is basically a rebuilt egg shell that is now filled with posts and plastic, but so what? I STILL HAVE MY FUCKING TEETH. he reconstructed two teeth and yes i am in a codeine haze and feel like someone tried to kick my jaw off my skull but if there is anyone on earth i would kiss right now it would be him. what a fucking magician. he’s lucky that this pain is too excruciating to properly purse my lips. the bad news: THERE IS NO BAD NEWS, I KEPT MY TEETH. and, thanks to the internets, this shit is paid for.
11 you should take that money and go to jamaica. and that will be the last rastafarian dick i ever suck, because not having this work done means my heart is going to explode in my chest. i’m not even a little bit tempted. especially since i have zero access to that money. if the shit was coming to me i’d already have blown half of it on magazines and jellybeans. that is why there is a responsible adult in charge of it, one who had the checks sent directly to the dentist.
12 NOT KIDDING, FAM. i don’t want to be like that gay server who faked the slur on her receipt. there is photographic evidence that gofundme paid my dentist directly. the only money i’ve received in the past week is an honorarium from columbia college for permanently scarring a classroom full of young people and a $34.61 refund from amazon for a bunch of kindle books i probably didn’t even fucking read.
13 next wednesday. i’m having another procedure. at which point they xray everything again and figure out what is left to be completed. until then i am drinking smoothies and soup through the right side of my face and trying not to let my top and bottom teeth touch when i speak because that happened earlier and my knees buckled because the shit hurt so bad.
14 you’re goddamned welcome. BITCH, I HAVE BEEN FILLING THE INTERNET WITH JOY (http://bitchesgottaeat.com/), FREE OF CHARGE, FOR FOUR MOTHERFUCKING YEARS (I DON’T EVEN HAVE ADS ON THE SHIT) AND I KNOW YOU BORROWED MY BOOK FROM YO MAMA HOW DARE YOU BEGRUDGE MY PITIFUL FUCKING TEETH.