1 “i like it smooth,” my then-boyfriend announced
leaning to his right to peer over my knees
"ew, i’m a grown lady," was my snotty reply
"and you can’t have a forest without a few trees."
2 smooth is for peanut butter, for sailing, for silk
and, if you’re boring, smooth is sometimes for jazz
smooth is for lips and for bottoms of babies
but smooth is not for the crack of my ass.
3 “i can’t see what i’m doing,” he whined like a girl
stopping to pluck a coarse hair from his teeth
"i need night vision goggles to dig my way through it."
then i kicked his dumb face away from my meat.
4 what kind of delicate asshole gets frightened
when confronted head on with a little rough terrain?
"have you ever considered going in for a wax?"
no, i have NOT, because i have a BRAIN.
5 but homeboy was smooth and in an hour convinced me
to abandon my shame and stifle my doubt
so i picked up the phone book and made an appointment
to have some eastern european rip my vagina hair out.
6 call me naive, but i wasn’t aware
that some men have preferences for a woman’s hair
seriously, i had no idea that they cared
about styling + grooming + primping down there.
7 my fairy vaginamother never told me what to do
all the upkeep + time + care that is needed
i can hardly be bothered to wipe front to back
and these lucky jerks should be glad just to see it.
8 “do other girls do this?” i wondered aloud
and then texted every single bitch in my phone
"OH YES, ABSOLUTELY," came the resounding response
"how else do you expect to find a hot dude to bone?"
9 little did i know that everyone else
was on some pubic hair maintenance plan
trimming and waxing and shaving, OH MY
smoothing their rough patches out for some man.
10 at the salon i filled out a form
allergies, medical history, shit was extensive
then skimmed a brochure of services and fees
getting a smooth vagina is hella expensive.
11 i’d gone on a wednesday, directly from work
to ensure that i would go through with the plan
and i met with oksana/yelena/marie
12 she led me to a room at the back of the spa
every surface was covered in flowers and pink
watching her light the flame under the wax
i suddenly wished that i’d brought a strong drink.
13 “take off the pants,” she commanded and smiled
"let us see exactly what we dealing with."
i did as she asked and she gasped, HORRIFIED.
"for how long you have been growing this shit?!"
14 i lay on the table, nearly dead from embarrassment
"please, please, don’t hurt me," i helplessly begged
svetlana assured me, “this feel like nothing.”
then she set fire to the inside of my leg.
15 tears sprang to my eyes, i started to sweat
"no man is worth this," i swore to myself.
"pull tight the skin!" yelena instructed
WHOA wait a minute, bitch, you expect me to help?!
16 for 25 minutes i pulled while she ripped
i was irritated out of my mind, SO MUCH WORK
oksana was panting and sweating like hell
while i tried not to cry, because that shit hurt.
17 this must be what being tasered feels like,
i thought to myself as my patience wore thin
i glanced at the trash and its mountain of cloth strips
terrified to see they were covered in skin
18 “you need to take break?” brunhilde exhaled
as palpable relief through my body did flood
"you want me get band-aid?" she shrugged with a laugh
i looked down to find i was covered in blood.
19 i had half a carpet, and what was left looked like shit
katerina said sweetly, “we do easy part next.”
i put my coat on and shoved a towel in my panties
"no we won’t, sister. i’m through having sex."
20 i let her smooth talk me back into her chamber
i put on my brave face and dried all my tears
i’m just going to pretend it’s the gyne
even though it smells like burnt hot dogs in here.
21 the room was too hot, the lights were too bright
i thought for sure i was going to faint
"i almost am finish!" svetlana came up to say
then i felt hot wax being spread on my taint.
22 “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” i screamed way too loud
trying to look at her over my gut
i thought she was just going to finish the job
why was tearing hair out of my butt?!
23 “what is the wrong?” olga asked innocently
wiping her damp unibrow with her sleeve.
"girlfriend, you tore my whole asshole apart
and it feels like you splashed it with hot bacon grease!”
24 “i’m making heart shape!” sasha declared
leaning against me to keep herself stable
"just hurry up, i need to go the the bathroom!"
and with one final rip, i shit on the table.
25 i limped all the way home and took 17 advil
bootycalled my boyfriend, “what a treat i have in store…”
he peeled off the bandages, drooling in anticipation
"GROSS, freddy krueger. this looks worse than before."
26 my romantic needs are pretty fucking basic:
too shy for a rope, too safe for a cuff.
but when it comes to my beef curtain’s leonine mane
i’m happy to say that i like that shit rough.