1 i grew up poor. poor people don’t get to take care of their teeth. i’m not telling you anything you haven’t already heard on msnbc. TEETH ARE A MOTHERFUCKING LUXURY.
2 because of the crohn’s disease, i do not absorb calcium and vitamins very well. calcium and vitamins are necessary for good bones, and teeth are made of bones. or something like that, i’m not a goddamned scientist.
3 i’m an orphan. i haven’t had a parent in my life since i was 13, and when i first started working at 18 i was too busy trying to pay my rent to set aside money for dental insurance. i was seriously just trying to have sex, take muscle relaxers, and buy cheeseburgers. none of my old boyfriends was like, “hey kid, when’s the last time you saw a dentist?” because they were too busy trying to put it in my butt.
4 but then i needed a root canal. woke up one morning with pain so bad in the right side of my face that i couldn’t even see straight. lied, cheated, and stole to scrape together enough money to go to this dentist who worked cheap and for cash and could see me at a moment’s notice without asking a whole lot of ?s. i was 22 and didn’t have time for shit like “research.” she was very nice.
5 but that bitch butchered my motherfucking teeth. two summers ago one of the teeth she’d fixed broke off and cut up the inside of my face and i was bleeding everywhere and went to laura’s amazing dentist who discovered i had ten years worth of disgusting bacteria from that botched dental work slowly eating away at my jaw. both he and the endodontist he’d referred me to decided that it should be removed. so dr. sims used a crowbar and a pickax and pried that disgusting thing out of my face. IT SMELLED LIKE A DOG’S ASSHOLE FOR REAL. sorry if i’ve kissed you in the last ten years, welp.
6 i tried to go back regularly. but the shit is expensive, and in light of the joints i can’t fix because of the crohn’s that won’t go into remission i would really have to have a literal money tree in my tiny apartment to be able to do it all. so i got some cleanings and crossed my fingers.
7 last week another tooth broke. if this has never happened to you, i would like you to shatter a plate against your table and imagine that sound happening right next to your brain. THAT IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. the first tooth was a bicuspid on the top right side of my mouth, this one a molar on the bottom left. the assistant dentist shaved down the sharp edges and gave me some heavy duty antibiotics because they didn’t want me to get blood poisoning. in america. in 2014.
8 the new broken tooth is killing the one next to it. so 19 broke, and as a party favor he is taking 20 with him. and maybe 21. greedy bastard, leaving the party with more than he came with. dr. sims would like to save these teeth because i am 34 years old and removing them would cave in the side of my fucking face and also bridgework is expensive. just ask chris christie.
9 they gave me an estimate for $2800-3000. PER TOOTH. it’s pretty standard. but when you factor in 5-6 teeth that need a lot of work (a few brethren in the top row are on their way out, too) that’s like $15,000. i just burst out laughing. what the fuck else can you do? i would’ve shit my pants but that’s not even a thing anymore. i am taking all of the calcium and all of the vitamins but my crohn’s will not go into remission and my absorption is still a mess and part of me wonders if i should even bother worrying about the fucking teeth, but then i think about how they could poison my brain and that makes me sad.
10 yesterday. the doctor cut the worst tooth open and drained the decay, then cleaned out the roots. but the pulp is so inflamed that he was worried about doing the rest, so it’s packed full of medicine and i have this temporary thing in my mouth that makes it hard to talk and also tastes like old cheese. a week from today he is going to either root canal or remove 19 and 20, which is just ugh. i suppose if i ever give another blowjob it will come in handy, or at the very least will provide entertainment at parties or onstage.
11 you don’t have to feel bad for me. i have health insurance (but not dental, THANKS OBAMA). i have a place to live. i have access to bananas and soup and other mushy foods. a lot of people are going through similar things, and i think we forget sometimes that just because motherfuckers are dressed and at work every morning it doesn’t mean they aren’t living through some sort of catastrophe. but i wanted to write about this because a lot of very kind and generous people have donated money to my cause and they deserve an explanation. so far, my beloved bossman has paid the bills i have accrued, which i think at this point means he officially owns me. but i have to pay dude back, and pony up for the rest of this shit, and i just wanted to say how eternally grateful i am for people who have offered whatever kind of help they could, particularly those of you who don’t know me personally. my gorgeous friend keila started a gofundme which can be found here: http://www.gofundme.com/7kfy0w. no pressure, dudes. anyway, the internet is usually full of such shitbaggery, and i am humbled by everyone who has been so goddamned nice. know that.
i’ma keep you posted, b.